Don't Wallow In Unwanted Emotions, Work Through Them
Use these seven questions to help you choose calm over chaos.
I kicked the hood of my car so hard, I left a dent.
Not my proudest moment. But it taught me something I still use today.
Ever been so frustrated that your body reacts before your brain catches up?”
Most mornings, I’d start my wife’s car so it would be warm for her hour-long commute. This morning? I was failing miserably.
Let me back up. I know nothing about cars. I wanted to learn in high school, but those classes always clashed with my music schedule. That’s another story.
Problem #1
We’d been having problems with the car for a couple of weeks. On cold mornings, the car was like a grumpy old man in winter: slow to wake up and quick to complain.
I didn’t know much about engines, but I knew enough to feel helpless. A mechanic in Clarksville, TN, showed me the culprit.
A tiny guide piece in the carburetor had broken off, messing with the gas flow to the engine.
He also taught me a workaround. It was a band-aid. Like most band-aids on engine problems, it required getting under the hood and poking around like I was auditioning for Mechanics: The Musical.
Problem #2
As if the carburetor issue wasn’t enough, the hood latch had a personality of its own. Sometimes it opened. Sometimes it didn’t. It was like flipping a coin, except the coin was frozen and stuck inside the engine bay.
When it didn’t open, the trick was to give the hood a firm thump with the side of your fist right over the latch. A little mechanical persuasion.
That morning, the hood wasn’t having it.
I pulled the latch. Nothing. Got out. Gave it the ol’ thump. Got back in. Pulled again. Still nothing. Rinse and repeat three, four, five times. Each failure intensified my frustration.
Finally, I snapped. I stepped onto the bumper, raised my foot, and brought my heel down hard on the hood.
I can go from zero to volcanic in a split second.
Crunch. Dent. Still no release.
I slumped onto the front steps, angry and defeated. That’s when my wife came out.
She calmly walked to the car, pulled the latch, “click,” opened the hood, removed the air cleaner assembly, adjusted the lever, put everything back in place, started the car, and drove off like the boss she is!
Smoke was practically pouring out of my ears, but I was also grateful. The workaround worked for her. She even got to impress her coworkers once by doing the same thing in a parking lot after work.
Yes, she’s a keeper!
Problem #3
I have a shadow side. Only those closest to me have seen it.
It started showing up in elementary school. Where did it come from?
My parents? I don’t think so.
Friends? Maybe.
Relatives? Definitely.
My shadow side? Anger.
Sudden. Sharp. Sometimes explosive.
I can go from zero to volcanic in a split second.
When a few small irritations pile up, I get overwhelmed, and then I make a choice. I can choose to get angry, just like I can choose to stay calm.
That idea didn’t come naturally. I first heard it in a psychology class while working on my master’s degree. The professor said something that stuck with me:
No one can force you to get angry. You choose it.
That line changed me. But it also made people uncomfortable.
When someone says, “So-and-so makes me so mad!” I’ll gently offer:
May I invite you to say you’re choosing to get mad at so-and-so?
My wife does not love this phrase. Her response usually includes several words ending in “$m@rt@$$.”
Even though I know my triggers, anger still sneaks up on me. It hijacks my mouth, my body, my judgment. I say things I don’t mean. I do things I regret.
But that same psychology class gave me a tool: reflection.
Over time, I developed a set of seven questions that help me move from reaction to reason. From chaos to calm.
They’ve evolved over the years, but they’ve helped me avoid more outbursts than I can count.
The Process
I blew it that morning. I let my anger take the wheel, literally and emotionally.
But over the years, I’m getting better at pausing before reacting. I’ve developed a set of seven reflective questions that help me work through frustration, anger, or any unwanted emotions.
What follows are those questions, along with how I could’ve used them before I dented the hood of our car.
7 Questions
1. What am I feeling right now?
Identify your current emotional state.
“I’m angry because I can’t get the car started for my wife, and I want it to be warm for her long drive to work.”
2. What is causing this feeling?
Identify the situation causing this feeling.
“This car is an old piece of $#it! I can’t get the d@mn hood open so I can get this stupid-@$$ car started.
3. Why am I feeling this way?
Dig deeper. Is there a root cause for this feeling?
“I feel guilty for not getting the car fixed sooner. And I feel helpless because we don’t have the money right now to take care of it properly.”
4. What do I want instead?
Do I need to try something different?
“I want to be able to take care of our vehicles and have an emergency fund so we’re not caught off guard by stuff like this.”
5. What do I need to do?
Identify a solution to resolve this.
“I need to reach out to some friends and see if anyone knows a mechanic who can help us affordably, or maybe work out a trade. I also need to sit down with my wife and build a budget that includes saving for emergencies.”
6. Will I do it?
Decide to take action.
“Yes. I’m ready to take the first step.”
7. When will I do it?
Identify when, if not now, you will take this action.
“I’ll start looking for a solution as soon as I get to the office today. And I’ll talk with my wife tonight about creating a budget we can stick to.”
The Growth
I honestly hit my head on things all the time—door frames, cabinets, car roofs, walls... basically anything that stands still long enough. It can still be a major trigger for me.
Once, before I had these questions in my toolbox, I smacked my head on the sliding door frame of our old van. It was parked in the driveway, minding its own business.
I stormed into the garage, grabbed a baseball bat, and came back out swinging. I hit that door frame as hard as I could.
Thankfully, the only thing I damaged was my pride.
These days, when I feel that familiar heat rising, I pause. I ask. I reflect. And more often than not, I choose not to get angry at all.
Grab the 7 Questions Resource
Want a simplified version of these seven questions you can keep on your phone?
Click the link in the caption below the image, or scan the QR code below the link.
Once you request the “7 Questions Resource,” you’ll get an email to confirm.
After that, you can download the image, save it to your photos, and mark it as a favorite for quick access whenever you need a reset.
https://disgustinglysimple.kit.com/1ebd628e15
If you have any trouble accessing the resource, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I’ll ensure you receive what you need.